Crimson curtains wave in the wind of my vision as a womb-like pressure surrounds me on all sides. I can’t move, and this should feel claustrophobic, but it doesn’t. I should be panicking, but I’m not. An effervescent ethereal soundtrack wobbles all around me. I’m not aware of the source of this music, but it is there, nonetheless. My body is gone, only my basic essence remains. I’m floating in some ether of reality, aware of everything and nothing at the same time. There is a sense of blissful contentment, a sense of freedom. Nothing material exists, here: not my depression, not my trauma, not even my body that I so desperately cling to. The comfortable recliner I sat in only moments ago is gone. I’m somewhere else, I’m everywhere else, I am nowhere, all at once. The only thing I know is love and safety, and I know it on a quantum level.

I didn’t know what to expect from ketamine therapy. While I’d been using psilocybin for treatment of depression and to help cope with my autism experience for a couple years, I’d been told ketamine was a different animal altogether. For six months, I’d been lost in a storm of depression unlike anything I’d seen over the past several years. It harkened back to a much darker time in my life where I was completely debilitated and in utter turmoil. The ketamine treatment was a bit of a hail Mary for me, and a significant investment of money.

For a month and a half, I went to six treatments, one each week. I could not have been prepared for their intensity nor their effect on my life. In this series of writings, I am hoping to encapsulate these sessions, drawing from my extensive journals about each event and the weeks I lived in between each dose. There are miracles to report, and some darkness. Life has both a light and shadow, and ketamine is no different. I am not trying to advertise for these treatments, only report on my own particular experiences.

Understanding my state of mind upon entering this cycle of treatment is important. While it is well known that I have struggled with punishing levels of depression throughout my entire life, my experience was reduced upon moving to Oregon six years ago. My depression felt lighter than it had before leaving New Mexico, but it continued to be a dark passenger running in the background. It was no longer the contusion it once was, but it remained an itchy bite that needed to be scratched every now and again.

In September of 2023, I took my first intentional psilocybin trip to address both my trauma-based depression as well as my autism experience. I took a large dose of mushrooms brewed into a tea and the results were almost instantaneous. Not only was my nagging depression sent into relief, but the adverse angles of my autism were also muffled. I began taking large doses of psilocybin every three to four months to keep maintain this effect on my mind.

November 2024 was tough on many of us due to the election. For me, the experience felt doubled because I had recently come out as two-spirit/non-binary/gender queer, and my whole identity felt under attack. After an adverse conversation with my family about my gender, I fell into a deep depression unlike anything I’d experienced since 2019. I was engulfed in the flames of loneliness and isolation, and the coastal Oregon winter pushed these feelings deeper and further into my experience.

After a tumultuous visit to the East Coast for the holidays, I returned home and took a large dose of psilocybin. This trip was difficult; I was resistant to the pain of my life and the conflict with my family and as a result I struggled to find the safety and love I’d found with this medicine during my prior experiences. With the help of a good friend who is trained in psychedelic therapy work, I made it through, but the after effect wasn’t the same. There was no relief, no afterglow. The depression deepened and I attempted another trip at the end of January. This one went the same way.

In March, I scheduled an appointment with Transformative Health and Wellness Center here in Corvallis. After an initial intake session, I was scheduled for six weeks of ketamine treatment, to start the first week of April. By the time the first appointment came around, I was in such pain that I would have given anything for relief.

Spoiler alert: relief came like a flood, dousing the fire I’d been living in for months within one session. Over the next few weeks, I will attempt to describe this treatment for you, warts and all. I’m grateful for you coming with me on this journey of reflection and integration. Stay tuned for more Ketamine Journals.